The Rudest Thing Possible

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In a few minutes I’m going to be out for a little vacation. I might even shoot a few videos, so anyway, it is a bit more than 6:30 here now, so before I leave I want to write a post. I didn’t sleep well last night. Actually, that would be a lie. I didn’t sleep at all last night. I didn’t even try.

In my noble and amazingly brave experience of not being asleep when I’m supposed to be, I stumbled upon a thread on the internet about what could be the rudest thing you can possibly do. A primitive action that brings out your inner qualities. The sort of raw emotion you’re made of, scooped like one would a scoop of ice cream, and delivered laced with walnuts and pistachios on a bed of chocolate coated waffle cone.

So, we can begin discussing a few things. You could possibly through a shoe. Take off yours and just throw it at the person you’re offended by.It could hit or miss, but the act of shoving a projectile onto one’s body is demeaning for the receiver, and more so for the thrower. Why would you sacrifice your shoe to practically give it to a person you hate? As my favourite rapper Dr. Seuss says and will continue to say, be grateful to have feet to put in your shoes.

What next? We’ll skip the obvious ones like punching or kicking, or if you’re me, kicking with your fists. Attacking a person is an offence, and usually illegal to boot.

Shouting insults too is quite a rude thing. It helps alleviate your dignity if your insult is somewhat insulting, but most contemporary insults are quite lame. Even lame is lame.

John Green explains it quite well, so I’ll let him take over.

Let me tell you a story, complete with plot twisting narratives and a moral too. I’m thinking so that you don’t have to! Okay, it goes like this. Around six years ago I got into a fight with another kid in my class over something that I don’t remember, but it must have been extremely petty, as most fourth grade fights usually are. None that I know of involve biological warfare or genetic mutilation; so far they’re quite tame, but that could change within the next generation or two. Well, long story short, I took my really awesome pen and dropped some ink on his shirt. He tried to do the same to me, but his pen wasn’t quite as awesome as mine, so it didn’t have much of an effect. The fight continued as usual. Then later when we were washing off we apologized to each other like the good children we were. Moral of the story: ink washes off fast. Use permanent markers.

So the rudest thing to do? Spit. There’s nothing more primal. It really is the basest thing a human being can do, spit on someone. The lowest common denominator among everyone is their ability to shoot saliva out of their mouth. Never do that unless you’re being attacked. If you are, aim for the eyes.

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Upamanyu Acharya is a writer who doesn't write. Sometimes he's an artist, musician, photographer, physicist or lazy student. His hobbies include being vague, bending rules, time-travel, and embellishment of words. This is his personal blog where he writes on topics ranging from leadership skills to the consistency of jam.

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